I can’t believe I went the whole month of November without blogging. Actually, I can believe it, because I was in the biggest essay-bubble I have ever been in, or hope to be in. I researched and wrote essays for 5-6 hours a day and ignored regular life stuff, like replying to emails, doing fun writing, working on craft projects. I know lots of people work for 8 hours a day, but that’s in paid employment. Half of the challenge in studying, and in writing actually, is forcing yourself to do it. The experience was honestly rather traumatic, and took me a while to recover. I would argue that I am still recovering. I took a week break from all uni work, but the unstructured time messed with my aspie brain, and so I went back to work for an hour or two a day, transcribing and translating samples of children’s writing for my thesis.
Then on Tuesday I was having trouble motivating myself to get out of bed and get started on the day. At first I thought I was just being lazy. Then I realised that my brain had conspired with my body and realised that the only way to make me recover from the semester was through forced incapacitation. It came in the form of a sore throat and low energy.
Sometimes when I’m not sick, I think, wouldn’t it be great to be sick? You get to just lie in bed all day and people feel sorry for you and cook for you. And then I get sick and remember how crappy it feels. And what a waste of time it is.
I’m tired of being productive, though. The Gardening Pilot has been talking lately about trying to focus on being rather than doing all the time. He’s as much a sucker as me for having a long list of things to get done, and getting through them. Although he’s not as fond as putting it down in lists as I am. Instead he verbalises them on an endless track to remind himself and me that they need to get done. At one point this started to stress me out, so I considered writing them down in a list, but I figured that would be a bit weird and slightly controlling.
It’s so hard to get stuff done. I just went through my to-do lists that I was keeping up until essay madness started and I didn’t have time for anything else. Some of the things I have done, some have expired, some I still haven’t done, and don’t know how to, and it stresses me out. Some of the things are so easy I don’t understand why I haven’t done them. I don’t even know why I’m writing about this.
I think we’re doing it wrong. All this focus on tasks. You end up chasing your tail. I just want to chill. Well, I guess that’s what I’m doing right now. If only I did it while I was in better health and could enjoy it.