Jerkbrain

Today is Tuesday, which means it’s blog day. I have half a dozen unfinished posts. Somehow it is easier to sit down without really knowing what I want to write, than it is to bring up an unfinished blog post and polish it to publish.

Today is not a good day. Daylight savings time-change has messed me around. And last night there was a kick-arse storm, the likes of which I haven’t witnessed in Canberra since I moved here three months ago. It would have been awesome, except that I couldn’t sleep for the thunder and bucketing-down rain. And I was worried that the seedlings the Lawyer planted were going to be washed away.

I have to make about seven phone calls this week, each of at least half an hour each, unpredictable in content, and the purpose of the phone calls is me asking busy people to do something for me. It’s called data collection for thesis, and I thought I finished it when I left the field in June. I’m paying them, but you can’t pay people time. It would be so much easier to do if I could just fly back there for a couple of week, but that is just not going to happen.

It’s already Tuesday. I didn’t make a call yesterday because I was hanging out with the Unnamed Pilot. I was going to make a call this morning, before school started. Allowing for time difference, I planned to call at 9:30am. But then I woke up at 9 feeling like absolute rubbish, having had a horrible dream, and I worked hard to convince myself the dream wasn’t true.

I am stressing about the time I have wasted and the things I haven’t done, and meanwhile the day is marching on. The day doesn’t care. It’s ten to eleven already. I have assignments hiding only weeks away, and mountains of data uncollected.

I need to look at my Mental Health Wellbeing Plan. It was designed for days like today.

Are you being kind to yourself?

No.

If you have been mean to yourself lately, make up for it by doing something fun, like reading an easy book or taking yourself out for coffee (or both at once!)

But how will I enjoy that, when I haven’t done any work today? What if I go and do my uni reading at a cafe?

Good idea.

That’s only step one of my mental health wellbeing plan. Step two is making a list of worries and deal with them. I just did that and I feel a lot better. Step three is going out for coffee and doing intentional exercise. So I’m going to jump on the trampoline and then go read my uni book at a cafe.

I feel pretty weird posting about this. In a way I’m just therapying myself on a public forum, at the same time as ticking Tuesday Blog Post off my to-do list. But hopefully it has a slightly greater purpose. There is value in sharing the weird tricks our brains play on us to make us feel like crap, and then to show the weird things we do to trick our brains into feeling good again. It’s all about normalising it. And I hope I’m not the only one who does these weird things.

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One thought on “Jerkbrain

  1. Yay for mental health plans!! I like that you were honest and made a workable compromise with your jerkbrain.

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