Recently I was reading old diaries. This time last year I was having realisations about existential crises and today I want to share them with you.
Thursday 4th July 2013:
Dad is being terrible, he just makes me coffees doesn’t talk to me, we just fight.
Life seems so meaningless and it always seems like when I don’t feel like this it’s because I’m distracted, everyone is just using various methods of distracting themselves from existential angst.
Friday 5th July 2013:
I have to hash this out b/c yesterday I thought everything was meaningless and today I feel great.
Anytime I feel like everything is meaningless, I am deeply suspicious of anyone, including other iterations of myself, who doesn’t feel the same. “Don’t you get it?” I want to shout. “Why are you going to work/buying a boat/travelling around/cleaning the house when we’re all going to die and everything is going to crumble into dust?”
That’s when I think that all anyone does is distract themselves from existential angst and that’s why they keep busy. If I’m not feeling meaningless, it’s only because I’ve deceived myself.
Today I submitted a c-link form for youth allowance, I wrote 14 pages, and I went for a long walk. And I socialised. This makes me feel satisfied.
I think it’s a lot to do with hormones. Yesterday I got my period. Today it’s still there but the hormones have calmed down.
I think you can accept at some level that this is who you are, this is what you do, and that allows you to be satisfied with a small amount of meaning. I put meaning on what I classify as achieving something.
There was something else. Oh yes. Broken heart. Healing from a broken heart is like suffering through PMT. When you get done the reward is not great: You’re still alone/you’re bleeding, but at least you don’t feel like crap. X
A month and a bit later, it was the weather cheering me up.
Saturday 31st August:
Well, I think some part of me really believed Spring would actually never come. But today was a real Spring Day, clear skies, warm enough to take off your jumper but cool enough to still wear jeans and shoes.
This will be my first Spring in ages, which is pretty exciting. I missed Spring last year b/c I was in the Top End.
And a couple of months after that, I started to realise what it is that keeps existential angst at bay. No surprises here for an Aspergirl; the answer is routine.
Monday 21st October:
I find it kind of strange that it’s the simple things that make me feel content. Going to bed on time. Getting work done. It’s routine and order and control, I guess.
I mean, I still want the huge amazing happiness bursts, like falling in love, or going on an exciting trip, but those things can be destabilising and worrying as well as enjoyable. Routine makes me feel satisfied and safe.
Back to the present…
There has been way too much excitement going on lately. And it’s fun, but excitement means change and instability and uncertainty. It has worn me out. I’m moving to Canberra tomorrow, so that will mean more excitement and change and newness. I am really looking forward to the point at which I will have a routine in Canberra and I will be able to feel safe again. Then I will be able to keep existential angst at bay.